Breaking the silence around death – by Claire Tierney
As funeral directors and funeral celebrants at Picaluna, we spend our days talking about this seemingly taboo subject. In this blog, Claire explores the “D” word and breaking the silence around it.
It’s interesting how we all know it’s coming and yet we avoid the topic like it’s something that can wait; and we hope to find an easy path to the end. Dying peacefully in our bed surrounded by loved ones is the fairytale, peaceful, gentle dream, but this is not always the truth. When we’re born, the reality is that every day, every breath, we are closer to death. and yet, if you spent your life overly focused on this fact, it would be quite disturbing. But I lost my mother in my early 40’s, and I am now 56, and my father’s 91, and his health is wobbly. So right now, my family is focused on his wellness and what we are calling the next phase, which is likely to include aged care.
But no one is really talking about death!
One of the primary reasons people avoid discussing death or even funerals is the fear associated with it. The unknown nature of death often causes anxiety, leading us to shy away from conversations that remind us of our mortality. However, avoiding the topic only increases the fear, making death seem even more frightening and distant. Openly talking about death can help demystify it, allowing us to process our feelings and come to terms with the fact that it is a natural part of life. By addressing the subject head-on, we reduce the power of fear and cultivate a sense of acceptance and peace.
I’m not morbid, but wouldn’t it be prudent that discussions about my Dad’s health, his next phase and his wellness, should also include death and funeral plans. Discussing what he would like to happen at his funeral service or “end of life celebration ceremony”, because that’s what we’re calling them now. We’ve ventured into an age where we are supporting the involvement of the person who is approaching their passing. There are websites and forms that can be filled out for individuals to record what they want or how they would like to see their final celebration. Some people are having what’s called a live funeral wake. Whichever way we think of it, life ends in death and our right in being born should extend to our rights in death. So, there are some things that we can do.
My mother’s passing was inevitable due to her Alzheimer’s diagnosis and her being positioned in a high care facility. But slowly, as she lost her mind, did we record what she would like for her funeral service? As a parent, she had bought a burial plot, and I think I was about four years old when she purchased the space in a very pretty cemetery where my grandparents, my mother’s parents, are buried. So, I now understand that this was very mature and responsible of her, but was it discussed what she wanted on her funeral service, the days leading into it, and the days after?
Death is a universal experience that every living being will one day face, yet it remains one of the least discussed topics in modern society. From a young age, we are conditioned to avoid conversations about death, leading to an environment where fear, misunderstanding, and unpreparedness dominate our perceptions of this natural part of life. But talking about death is essential. Not only does it help alleviate fears and misconceptions, but it also fosters a healthier approach to the inevitable, encouraging us to plan for our end-of-life choices.
Some traditional cultures and some religions outline the responsibilities and the expectations for families during this phase. However, in Australia, we have opened the door to a very modern way of celebrating the life of our loved ones that have died, including prepaid funerals, the keeping of a death log, purchasing of gravesite or making an end of life plan.
Talking about death isn’t just about funerals; it’s also about the choices we make in the final stages of our lives. Discussions around palliative care and hospice care are critical to ensuring that our wishes regarding pain management, comfort, and medical interventions are respected. Do we want aggressive treatment for a terminal illness, or do we prefer a peaceful, comfortable passing? These conversations help loved ones make decisions in line with our values when we may not be able to express them ourselves. This is also where concepts such as legacy, final wishes and last will and testament come into play.
And with this modern era has popped up the Death Cafe, which are social gatherings, leadby a facilitator who guides a discussion with open questions of – When should we talk about death? When should we not talk about death? How young should we be when we first are introduced to discussions about death?, …and so on.
Most of us would hope that the life celebration, funeral service, wake, memorial service, interment is reflective of the way we lived. The exact timing of our death may be unknown yet death, although it may not be around the corner, is inexorable. We don’t have to be morbid, we can however embrace our passing as an inevitability and allow ourselves to go into the next phase in a manner which reflects the way we lived.
In discussing our wants and needs; and taking responsibility for some of the financial aspects of this future inescapability, we are respecting not only ourselves but the people we leave behind. I think we are all encouraged to save for the future and our retirement, are we encouraged to save for our own funeral services? When we fail to discuss our plans for our own departure, the responsibility falls to our loved ones during a time of emotional turmoil. Family members are often left guessing about what we would have wanted, which can lead to disagreements and additional stress.
There are other items open for discussion in this phase like which funeral service do you wish to utilise for the funeral, which venue and music, which style of internment do you wish for: to be buried or have a cremation service. Do you wish to have a burial service or cremation service? It is often prudent to talk about affordable funeral services, prepaid funerals and funeral packages; along with the funeral planning and funeral arrangements. Some people wish to be mindful of eco-friendly funerals. There are also resources online to do with writing the eulogy, discussing your digital legacy and organ donation!
Making our final wishes known in advance helps ensure that our passing is handled in a way that aligns with our values — whether it’s choosing between burial or cremation, selecting a funeral home, or expressing preferences for a traditional or non-traditional funeral service. This planning also spares our loved ones from some of the financial and emotional burden of making last-minute decisions about costly options.
Funeral costs can vary dramatically, often leaving families grappling with unexpected expenses during an already challenging time. The range of funeral costs can be extreme, influenced by factors such as location, the type of service, and the level of personalisation. While basic funerals can start in the low thousands, elaborate services with premium options can soar to tens of thousands of dollars.
One of the most significant issues with funeral planning is the prevalence of hidden funeral costs. Basic funeral packages may appear affordable, but additional expenses can quickly accumulate. In response to the challenges posed by hidden costs and in conscious awareness of the stress that hidden costs can cause a family, Picaluna Funerals has adopted a policy of open transparency to ensure that families are fully informed and can make decisions without unexpected financial surprises. Picaluna’s approach as a modern funeral home, is designed to provide clarity and build trust with their clients, sourcing everything at wholesale price and applying a 35% service fee, with 5% of profits being donated to one of their charity partners.
Picaluna emphasises open communication and support throughout the funeral planning process. Their staff is trained to discuss all aspects of the service openly, including potential additional costs that may arise. By prioritising transparency, Picaluna aims to alleviate the financial stress often associated with funeral planning, enabling families to focus on honouring their loved ones without the added burden of unforeseen expenses.
Not all funerals can be preplanned!
Death comes to some way too soon, but if we open up the discussion to society, maybe the extreme grief of losing someone before their time can soften the blow and normalise the reality.
When parents lose a child, they can find themselves extremely angry. And yet, If we become more comfortable with death, with the word, with the reality, with the fact that nobody who has ever been born has not died, then we might find solace and unity in this cycle.
Acknowledging death also allows us to live more fully. When we come to terms with our mortality, we become more aware of the fragility of life, encouraging us to live with intention and purpose. We prioritise what matters most to us, whether it’s spending time with loved ones, pursuing passions, or creating a lasting legacy. Talking about death gives us the opportunity to reflect on our lives, to take stock, and to make conscious choices about how we want to be remembered.
Talking about death is not easy, but it is necessary. By breaking the silence around death, we empower ourselves and our loved ones to face the inevitable with clarity and peace. These conversations ensure that our wishes are respected, alleviate unnecessary burdens on those we care about, and help us live more fully in the present.
Death is a part of life—it’s time we start talking about it.
