By Sally Douglas and Imogen Carn, co-hosts of the Good Mourning podcast
Coping with grief at Christmas is no small feat. For many, it’s a time full of memories of loved ones or the expectations from others to join in with the festivities. For some people, Christmas can be a welcome distraction from their grief; for others, it can be a reminder that the person is no longer here.
At Good Mourning, as grief educators, co-hosts of a leading grief podcast, and grievers ourselves, we know just how complex grief can be at this time of year. Whether you’re grieving a loved one or caring for someone at the end of their life, the holidays can stir up a mixed bag of emotions: sadness, nostalgia, guilt and even guilt if you catch yourself feeling moments of joy.
It’s important to remember that it would be overwhelming to feel consumed by great grief at every moment. Positive emotions can (and will) live alongside your pain, and at this time of year when grief can feel amplified, it’s important to let little moments of joy in. It means savouring the little pleasures in a day. Giving someone a gift you know they will love. Receiving a gift from someone. Sitting in the sunshine. A supportive text exchange with a friend. Getting lost in a good festive film. Eating a slab of chocolate and feeling satisfied. A glug from a good glass of wine. Do you get the drift?
It’s okay to feel moments of joy; it doesn’t make you a bad person or mean you aren’t grieving. In fact, having small moments of relief from grief is healthy. According to The Dual Process Model (DPM), developed by Margaret Stoebe and Henk Schut, you’re able to cope better by having time where you don’t think about all your ‘griefy’ feelings (aka allowing in moments of joy). Instead of grief being something that is faced head-on all the time, they suggest that there are two main ‘stressor’ modes that grievers can operate: loss-oriented stressors (e.g. thinking about your person, or feeling your grief) and restoration-oriented stressors (e.g. cooking dinner, chatting with a friend or wrapping a Christmas gift).
If you’re searching for how to cope with grief during Christmas while also making room for some micro-moments of joy (remember: they are important for your coping), then here are five simple ways to honour your person, embrace your feelings, and make space for joy during the holidays.
1. Read a Poem or Quote to Honour Them
Including a meaningful poem or inspirational quote about grieving can help you feel connected to your loved one during festive celebrations. It could be reading out a favourite poem or quote of theirs at a family gathering or quietly to yourself. A quote that we absolutely love is one by Helen Keller: “What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”
It’s a simple but powerful way to honour them and their legacy. It can also encourage others to share their reflections or thoughts.
2. Create a New Tradition in Their Memory
Sometimes, when someone dies, old traditions might no longer feel right. If that’s the case for you, it’s okay to start something new that honours their memory. You might light a candle in their name each evening, write them a Christmas card and reflect on how you’re feeling at that moment, recreate one of their favourite dishes and include it at Christmas lunch, or buy a present for them, wrap it, and place it under the tree.
Or, if carrying forward traditions that honour them feels better for you, that’s also okay. Whatever you do, these acts of remembrance keep them involved in the day and can help you continue connecting to them, which is important.
4. Honour Their Legacy Through Acts of Kindness
When we are in pain, helping others can be a soothing way to help ourselves. It can also channel your loved one’s spirit into acts of kindness. Volunteering for a cause they cared about or donating to a charity in their name are some ways you can give back to others in their memory.
Not only will you be helping others, but small gestures like this can also create a sense of community, which can be especially important as support and connection are essential when coping with grief.
5. Be Honest About Your Needs
If you are invited to gatherings, parties, or festive events, you might feel pressured to attend, even if you’re exhausted. Remember to honour your needs at this time of year, too. Give yourself permission to say no or limit your time at parties if it feels too much right now.
If you’re wondering how to support a grieving person, start by asking them what they need and listening without judgement. A small act of empathy can go a long way.
If you’re struggling with coping with grief at Christmas, know that you’re not alone.
At Good Mourning, we provide grief and loss resources to help you navigate this challenging time. From our grief podcast to our supportive community, we’re here to guide you through the hard moments and remind you that it’s okay to feel joy again.
For more on how to cope with grief, visit Good Mourning.
